Stories from the subcontinent and beyond: Jodhpur to Udaipur

Ready to resign our lives to the ability, or likely disability, of a driver who told us that after six months of going to the driving school every freaking single day hoping to get some lessons he finally managed to resolve the situation by handing over a small fortune in exchange for the much wanted license, we got into his boss´ small car all excited to begin our road trip to Udaipur. This is the way to travel we thought as the car even had an air conditioning button! Yes, just a button. Since the difference between its on and off state was scientifically found to be non existent. We were still sweating like a lama in April and stuck to the seats good and proper. But believe me, anything better than the deluxe bus we caught between the last two stops which made us believe that the concept of cleaning hadn´t as yet arrived in India. Actually we looked up the word “deluxe” in the Indian dictionary. Here´s what it means: “deluxe (d´lux) : anything where you are less likely to have a goat on your lap or people´s body parts rubbing up against you. Does not include clean, tranquil environment or a properly working a/c nozzle that isn´t blowing fucking cold air into your face for the duration of your trip. Also not included is driving on the correct side of the highway.”

So fortunately, as you might be able to tell from me posting this story, we did survive this trip. And not only that. Not only was our driver, Avi, the nicest guy in our car but also a good, very polite and knowledgeable driver.

He told us how he came to work for his current boss while growing up in a very small village close to Jaisalmer that you could only reach by walking or by riding one of the two village camels. His future boss at the time was doing a 4 wheel drive tour with some very white Frenchies and got stuck not far from his village. Avi as a twelve year old found them, crapped his pants when he saw the white aliens smoking like chimneys and ran back to the village to tell his mommy. Needless to say the whole village came out and deliberated to either help them or turn them into a nice curry. After getting them unstuck, Avi´s father convinced the tour operator to take his son to where ever he came from. That´s parental love. Entrusting your 12 y/o to somebody you met 5 minutes ago. But really it is. Avi now has a much better future than he would have had in his village. And with all the rupees that Avi sends home the village is now contemplating building a Deathstar to rule the universe or fill up their water reservoir for the hot summer. They´re not sure yet.

Okay back to our trip. The good thing about having your own transport rather than the public one is that you get hot and sweaty like a one month old reheated curry in much better style than those poor people on the bus. And coincidentally you can stop where and when ever the fuck you like and take the nicer route as well. No excuses for the tightarses even since the 300km trip cost about as much as a taxi from our apartment to Sydney airport. Avi was kind enough to take us past an ancient Jain temple which contained a thousand hand carved stone columns (we took their word for it) and a priest with two thumbs on his left hand. Handy when you want to give someone the two thumbs up with one hand. Otherwise…not so much.

Other beautiful sights followed: a fortress with a 38 km wall around it and countless villages that couldn´t be bovvered to catch up with the rest of India and move into the 19^th century. The road with all its corners and scenic landscape through the hills made me yearn for my motorbike. “Wow! I have to come back here one day to ride!”, I kept thinking. That is until Avi told us what happened to him on that very same road on evening… As he was happily cruising along singing his favorite bollywood tune gypsies came running out of the bushes naked as the day they were born and covered in slippery oil.

“HOT!”, I can hear you think, “This could get kinky! RRRrrraw, yeah baby yeah!”

Avi wasn´t that lucky. This wasn´t a hippy free love get together. He had to beg for his life as they not only wanted to take all his worldly possessions but end his life right there and then on top of that. He was fortunate enough to be merely beaten over the head a couple of times and his car half pushed over the edge of the cliff. Mental note: come back for motorbike trip, bring Darth Vader for protection.